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Feeling Lost

There have been times in my life I have felt lost. Really lost. Surrounded by a big empty space. Clueless. That is exactly what happened when I was getting ready for this talk. When I give a talk, I like to speak from what is currently happening in my Life. This is really valuable for me. Otherwise, I tend to miss the forest for the trees. I get caught up in the day-to-day drama and the bigger picture floats by unnoticed. Also, I find what is happening for me can be helpful for others.

I speak four times a year for our Church, and as the time approaches, I start to think about what is happening and how this may lead to possible subjects. When I started this process over a week ago, I felt that I was surrounded by a big empty space. No ideas came to mind. I had long been thinking about two possible talks, but these did not feel right. I was getting nothing. This had not happened before. When I mentioned this to friends, they said, “Don’t worry, something will come.” I found this unsatisfying. Day after day I continued to be surrounded by nothing. So I sat down and meditated. Fortunately I remembered something that is very valuable. I ask, “Can I make this decision now? The answer was that it was not the right time, but it would be the next day. This wisdom is recorded in the Bible: “To everything there is season and time for every purpose under Heaven.” I tend to forget that, and remembering as well as asking can make all the difference.

Knowing that I could not make the decision, I was able to relax and laid it aside. That night I had a dream. The dream was that I was in bottom of a lighthouse. I was impressed with how well it was built. The walls were very strong and it was well anchored to rock. However, it was being flooded by the tide. As I climbed the steps inside the lighthouse, I could see the water rising around my rubber boots. I had to climb to the very top. When I was in the top glass area with the big light, I looked out and there was nothing but calm, flat water as far as I could see. The water was just below the level of the very top of the lighthouse. If the water rose much higher, there would be nowhere for me to go. Then I woke up.

Later that day, as I recalled the dream, I realized that the feeling of the big empty area around me was the message. It was to be the subject of my talk. Recognizing that “Big Empty Space” would not be a compelling title for this talk, I decided to use how I was feeling. I was “Feeling Lost.”

There are many ways that we can feel lost. Often it due to an unexpected change. The loss of a job, of a friend, of a home, of health; in short, the loss of something that has significantly met our needs. It can be a time when we face the unknown, and the unknown can give rise to fear. Fear can be paralyzing and very frightening.

A story from long ago: I had heard about a powerful healer and shaman. The stories that were told and the respect that people I knew had for this individual made me really look forward to meeting him. I think that there is a part of me that looks for validation. Certainly this was especially true when I first started out on my Spiritual Journey. What was real and what was imagination? I certainly knew that I had a vivid imagination; I had experienced this ever since I was very young. My imagination had entertained me more than anything in my early years. On occasion, it had gotten me in trouble and certainly it outshined my physical abilities. So how much of this new world that I had discovered was my imagination? I knew that there were individuals out there that would help me. I expected that this healer was one of them. June and Kay had helped me so much, surely there were other individuals that could assist me along my spiritual path.

I was attending June’s Alpha class with Kay. It might have been the second or third that we had taken. The class was very large and I was really enjoying the experience. The word was that the healer would show up soon. Kay and I were on a break between cycles and this person walked through the room and glanced in my direction before going into the room where June and most of the rest of the people were. That one glance left me feeling very different. I felt that the amazing energy around me from the class was gone. I was very aware that something major had happened. So I asked Kay about my aura. She said that it was pulled in very tight around me. I asked what happened, and she said she did not know, but it was as if I had been psychically blasted.

I describe what I felt as shaken to the core. I knew that the feeling of completeness that I had only seconds before was gone and I felt lost. I concentrated on my core and felt the energy spreading out. In a few minutes I felt better. I asked Kay to check my aura and she said that it was close to normal. I had been total caught off guard by this turn of events. But I realized that what I experienced was very important. When I felt shaken to the core, I reached into what I instinctively felt was my source of strength. I questioned the reality of what I was experiencing and learning in meditation but not the reality of what was at my center. I felt lost and also absolutely amazed because, at the time, I did not really believe in auras. I learned a lot, but not in the way that I expected.

While working as an engineer in the Shipyard, I was in a meeting. The pupose of this meeting was to make an important decision. We were seated in a circle in the Nuclear Engineering Manager’s Office. The Nuclear Engineering Manager had a very important position. As I remember, there were about 11 nuclear reactors in the Shipyard at that time, and he was responsible for their safe repair and return to operation. All of the men present were very intelligent, dedicated engineers with the highest intentions. I had a great deal of respect for them and as the least senior person there, I was feeling important. I was to be a part of this important decision. Suddenly the room faded and everywhere there was a person, there was a light in the middle of their chest. I heard “This is the only thing that will remain. This room, this building, these bodies, even this Earth will all pass away, but this will remain.” The the room faded back in and I thought, “What was that?” Over time, I decided that this totally unexpected vision was to be my spiritual work: to find that interal light in myself and then to help others do the same. I now realize that this internal light is the core that I had used years before, to rebuild my aura.

I have spoken a number of times about first trip to Asia: a journey to Nepal to find a Buddhist Monastery and perhaps three specific Tibetan Buddhist Monks. I had never been to Asia and went completely on my own. I felt that the Monastery was somewhere near the route to Mt. Everest. It was a great undertaking to get to Nepal and it required not only sacrifice, but also really stepping out of my comfort zone. Fortunately I had Kevin, friend from our meditation classes. Kevin was spending a month in India with his girl friend and promised at the end of that time, the two of them would meet me in Kathmandu and trek with me to find the Monastery. So my expectation was that all I had to do was make it to the Great Stupa in Kathmandu, and then Kevin would take over. I made it to the Great Stupa, and it was surrounded by people. I waited near one of the entrances and I remember seeing Kevin and a young woman coming toward me. The woman and I had never met before, but when she arrived she told Kevin, “There he is.” Kevin said, you are right, but how did you know? She said, “He is surrounded by Light.” We visited for a while and I was invited to have dinner in one of the restaurants overlooking the Stupa. When I arrived, Kevin’s girl friend was the only one to show up for dinner, she told me that Kevin was really sick from being in India. He was too sick to come to dinner and there was no way he could go up into the mountains; he had to go home right away. Now what a guy say to a woman who has seen him surrounded by Light? I said, “Of course, I understand. I will be fine. Thank you so much for telling me.” However, inside I was thinking, and I quote Doug Beneke,“Oh Bother.” I had no clue what to do. I was feeling lost.

I returned to my hotel room and spent some days thinking about the problem and finding out how I could get to the route to Mr. Everest. Finally, one night, I felt lost and decided that I would meditate until I got a clue. I remember staying up half the night in meditation. I don’t remember getting any clarity, but one evening when I was lighting candles at the Great Stupa, I met an American who was a Buddhist Monk. He and a wonderful travel agent helped me plan the way. I think that the commitment that I made to meditation helped. Sometimes when favorable things happen in life, it is better to just accept them and move on. However, when I am feeling lost, one thing I consider carefully, is meditating for much longer than I usually do.

One experience is very vivid in my mind. We worked for years getting our Farm and big old Farmhouse ready to sell. This was a huge commitment in time, effort, expense, and just plain sorting through things. As we were getting close to when our Realtor said we had to be finished, I was feeling like we needed help. So I sat down and Asked GOD for help. I remember immediately hearing, “So what makes you think that you are not getting help?” I was very shocked by this, thought about it, and said, “I guess it is because it is not showing up the way that I expect.” So I dropped my expectations and continued to focus on what I could do. Amazingly, when we did post our farm for sale, we immediately got an offer. We only got one, but as our Realtor said, “One good offer is all you need.” We knew that the Farm no longer fit us, but we did not know where or what our new place would be. Fortunately Carole let us move in with her while we searched for our new place. This was a slow process, and we lived with Carole for over three years. I decided that I would not go back to our old farm until we were completely in our new place. We bought partly cleared acreage, prepared the site, and bought a manufactured home. When I finally went back to the farm, I realized that there was nothing there that I missed. Our new place fit us beautiful and continues to do so. We are very happy. The “lesson of the farm” was that where we ended up and what we had, was far more than I could have imagined.

The Cancer. In 2018, I was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in my bladder. I had three surgeries to remove the Cancer and to be sure that it was gone. I was negotiating with my Urologist about changing the follow-up treatment to fit my social calendar. He looked me in the eye and said, “This Cancer is aggressive and we need to treat it aggressively. This Cancer can kill you.”

Kay and I were in shock and I was overcome with Fear. For at least two days and probably longer I was a basket case. What would happen? What could I do? My mind went in circles and I got nowhere. I was afraid of dying. Then in meditation I heard. “Remember the lesson of selling the Farm.” Then I remembered, when the old house no longer fit us, we had to move and trust. We ended up far better than I ever could have imagined. I hope that the “Lesson of the Farm” will be meaningful for you. It certainly is for me.

So I surrendered and decided that I would follow my intuition. Someday this body will no longer fit me, and I will need to surrender and trust. When thinking of this, I have also heard, “We will help you through …” I hope that the “Lesson of the Farm” will be meaningful for you. It certainly is for me.

So what do I think is important about this talk?

1. Remembering as the Bible and the song say, that there is a season and a time for everything. If nothing is working, ask,

“Can I make a decision now?”

2. Our Divine Nature is the unchanging “Light” within.

3. Establish a way of meditation, of listening, that works for you. Pay attention to what you experience.

4. Divine help may show up differently than we expect.

“What makes you think that you are not getting help?”

5. “Remember the lesson of selling the Farm.” When our body no longer fits us, we go to a place that is beyond what we can imagine.

Meditation – Finding our Divine Nature

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